About the Department of Fictional Psychology

The Department of Fictional Psychology (FicPsych for short) is responsible for two separate but related tasks. Primarily, it must restore canon characters to their normal selves when bad fanfiction mischaracterizes them beyond recognition. Secondarily, it looks after agents and newcomers to the PPC when they look to be a little bit too insane.

The department is co-directed by the Kudzu Vine and Dr. Freedenberg, who, among other qualifications, has legs. Under them is Head Nurse Suzine Sachs, who does a lot of the nitty-gritty scheduling and gives the rest of the nurses their assignments. The most senior nurses under her are Nathonea Dewstan and Mirrad, who were both on the staff during Jay and Acacia’s time. Other nurses include Jennifer Robinson, Elms, Castor Parwill, Leon Barker, and Loquacious Immac. The department also has at least one intern, Alex Bjørnsen. Other staff include Frank, Dr. Freedenberg’s Hooloovoo secretary, and the potted fern, a sentient but unranked Plant that likes to hang around the break room and eat doughnuts when it isn’t making itself useful by relaying messages.

FicPsych’s foyer

The department bears the sign of the Multiple Exclamation Points, for, in the immortal words of Terry Pratchett, “What sort of person sits down and writes a maniacal laugh? And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.” It is located in Section 31. The entrance is a semi-circular anteroom with three hallways going off from the left-center, left, and right, with a nurses’ station between the left-center and right-hand hallways. The halls lead to Units A, B, and C, respectively.

  • Unit A houses both the primary ward for canon characters and the secondary ward for agents. This was not always the case. Originally, to ensure the upkeep of the PPC’s minimal interaction policy, agents were obliged to take all their problems to the Medical Department (where canon characters were not taken except in dire emergencies). In early 2003 HST, Medical finally got sick of the endless and often deranged demands for Bleeprin and washed their hands of the matter. Shortly thereafter, the former Head of FicPsych, the Geranium, gave up its position. (It seems that even Flowers can have nervous breakdowns.) Both the primary and secondary wards are strictly outpatient. There is a small inpatient contingent, but because they are best kept in peaceful solitude, the location of their ward is need-to-know only.

  • Unit B contains storage and other facilities, including the infamous No-Drool Videos in room B-9. “Storage” does indeed mean Bleeprin and similar products. It is extremely inadvisable to search for them, for they are quite well-guarded.

  • Unit C holds offices and living space for FicPsych personnel. Rumors that the offices and living space are in any way separate are the product of overactive imaginations. Naturally, C-1 and C-2 are occupied by the Kudzu and Dr. Freedenberg, respectively. Unit C also contains communal bathrooms and showers, such as in a dormitory, and a nurses’ lounge/break room with a kitchenette and mini-replicator.

FicPsych divides time into three shifts, roughly eight hours each depending on the day and who’s counting. The morning shift begins at what some would arbitrarily consider 6:00 am and ends at 2:00 pm. The day shift runs from 2:00 pm to 10:00 pm. The night shift runs from 10:00 pm to 6:00 am. Of course, anyone is welcome to set their own clock to a different time if it makes them feel better about when they have to be awake, just as long as they work the shifts they’re supposed to.

Case Files

These stories primarily concern FicPsych personnel and activities and are mainly set in the department.

“At the Sign of the Multiple Exclamation Points” by Nenya
Summary: In which Agent Nenya Gabriel finds herself in the primary ward.
Personnel: Nathonea Dewstan, Constance Sims, the potted fern, Dr. Freedenberg
“Introducing Ilraen” by Neshomeh
Summary: In which an Andalite recruit gets a culture implant.
Personnel: Jennifer Robinson, the Kudzu, Dr. Freedenberg
“Gestalt Therapy” by Neshomeh
Summary: In which the events of March and April, 2008, make the department a difficult place to recover from badfic.
Personnel: All staff.
“A New Patient” by Spud Avec
Summary: In which Nurse Leon Barker admits a troublesome character.
Personnel: Leon Barker, the Kudzu
“Visiting Hours” by Guvnor of Space and Neshomeh
Summary: In which Agent Orken visits his former partner Jeannine Guiles, an inpatient.
Personnel: Suzine Sachs, Castor Parwill
“Therapy Cats” by Neshomeh
Summary: In which EEE, KITTIES!
Personnel: Suzine Sachs, Dr. Freedenberg, Loquacious Immac, Jennifer Robinson, Castor Parwill, Elms
Like a Wink and a Smile, Episode 1: “Crossing the Coffee Table” by Neshomeh and Zingenmir
Summary: In which “two immortals locked in an epic battle until Judgement Day and trumpets sound” is more accurate than you’d think.
Personnel: Jennifer Robinson, Mirrad (mentioned only)
Prelude: “Missing Time” by Neshomeh
Summary: In which the newest member of FicPsych gets her first client, and he hasn’t heard of Bleeprin yet.
Personnel: Jennifer Robinson, Suzine Sachs, Algernon Bogglish (mentioned only), Jann Pablum (mentioned only)
Like a Wink and a Smile, Episode 2: “Attachments” by Neshomeh and Zingenmir
Summary: In which attachments are sent, discussed, and formed.
Personnel: Jennifer Robinson, Mirrad (mentioned only), Gerry (mentioned only)
Other Stories

These stories partially concern FicPsych and/or its personnel, but aren’t strictly FicPsych stories.

“Sisterhood” by Jay and Acacia
Summary: In which the Department of Psychology is seen to exist.
Personnel: Mirrad (mentioned only, unnamed)
“The Dark Elf” by Jay and Acacia
Summary: In which the agents bring an unusual specimen to FicPsych for study.
Personnel: The Kudzu
“The Many Deaths of Marrissa Picard: Q-uesting” by Kippur
Summary: In which Agent Alec Troven is put on Prozac.
Personnel: Dr. Freedenberg (mentioned only)
“Operation: Neuralyze!” by Tawaki
Summary: In which the department helps to rescue several agents from the Borg.
Personnel: Dr. Freedenberg, Jennifer Robinson, Nathonea Dewstan
“Prologue” by Anity
Summary: In which Agent Nadine Moreno is put on active duty.
Personnel: An unnamed female nurse
“Harry Potter and the Dragonriders of Pern” by Neshomeh
Summary: In which Nurse Jenni pitches in with the DIC.
Personnel: Jennifer Robinson
“Gingersnaps” by WarriorJoe
Summary: In which Dr. Freedenberg works closely with Dr. Fitzgerald when Agent Fritz Sorgebrunnen snaps and tries to kill his partner for no apparent reason on Christmas Eve, 2009.
Personnel: Dr. Freedenberg, an unnamed intern
“Orcs, Sue Blood, and Coffee” by Calista
Summary: In which Nurse Nathonea gets a dwarf addicted to caffeine.
Personnel: Nathonea Dewstan
“Going Postal” by Phobos
Summary: In which Nurse Mirrad receives a package for Nurse Jenni and the Kudzu has a delivery for the Marquis de Sod.
Personnel: Mirrad, Jennifer Robinson (mentioned only), the Kudzu
“Ring Child” by Neshomeh and Tungsten Monk
Summary: In which a routine post-mission character drop-off has unexpected repercussions.
Personnel: Jennifer Robinson, Alex Bjørnsen
“PPC Bleepka Bar” by Neshomeh and Tungsten Monk (RP)
Summary: In which Nurse Jenni manages a most satisfactory first date with Agent Suicide, despite an awkward start.
Personnel: Jennifer Robinson, Frank the Hooloovoo (mentioned only), the potted fern, Elms, Castor Parwill, Mirrad, Loquacious Immac, Alex Bjørnsen, Suzine Sachs (mentioned only)
“Cosmic Love” by Neshomeh and Phobos
Summary: In which Nurse Mirrad holds a therapy session with Agent Decima before she’s called away on a mission.
Personnel: Mirrad, Alex Bjørnsen
“Team Physical Therapy” by Neshomeh
Summary: In which the Kudzu prompts the nurses to get involved with the All-HQ Australian Indoor-Rules Quiddich League.
Personnel: The Kudzu, Suzine Sachs, Jennifer Robinson, Loquacious Immac, Nathonea Dewstan, Alex Bjørnsen, Castor Parwill, Elms, Dr. Freedenberg, Mirrad
“Physical Therapy vs. Blast Hardcheese” by Neshomeh and Tungsten Monk
Summary: In which the nurses square off against old friends and new rivals in their first AHAIRQL match.
Personnel: Mirrad, Nathonea Dewstan, Elms, Loquacious Immac, Alex Bjørnsen, Castor Parwill
“Blood Raining Night” by Neshomeh (NSFW!)
Summary: In which Nurse Jenni joins RC 999 again to save the boys from a terrible, awful squicking.
Personnel: Jennifer Robinson
“Ten Years Hence: Henry” by Neshomeh and Tungsten Monk
Summary: In which Henry Robinson is ten and life in HQ is complicated.
Personnel: Jennifer Robinson, Elms
“Catastrophe Theory: Bound and Gagged” by Phobos
Summary: In the future, the Potted Fern Official receives an unexpected visitor.
Personnel: The potted fern
“Catastrophe Theory: The End Is Nigh!” by Phobos
Summary: In the future, FicPsych is a mini-Aragog-infested pile of rubble.
Personnel: none
“The Journal” by PoorCynic
Summary: In an alternate universe, Nurse Jenni investigates a mystery that might have been better left alone.
Personnel: Jennifer Robinson
This website is © Neshomeh since 2004. This page’s content was last updated 05.12.2021.
The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia and is used with permission.
The fanfiction parodied here belongs to its original writer and is quoted in accordance with Fair Use.