| Author: | Rez Montrose |
|---|---|
| Tune: | Messiah by George Frideric Handel |
| Year: | 2006–2007 |
And now, ladies, gentlemen, and beings, the Caffeine Overload Symphony and the All-HQ Choir, under the conduction of Agent Handel (not to be confused with that other guy), present to you selections from “The Mary Sue.”
No. 4. Chorus: And the urple of the Sue
And the urple of the Sue shall be revealèd, and all fandom shall see it together, for the word of the Sue hath spoken it.
No. 7. Chorus: And she shall corrupt all
And she shall corrupt all the characters of Canon, that they may offer unto the Sue an offering in OOCness.
No. 8. Recitative: Behold, a console, it shall beep
Behold, a console, it shall beep, and bear reports, and shall call the fic BADFIC, Sue with us.
No. 9. Air and Chorus: O thou that tellest bad tidings to Agents
O thou that tellest bad tidings to Agents, turn thee up unto the high volume; O thou that tellest bad tidings to all Headquarters, turn up thy beeps with speed; turn them up, be not afraid; say unto the RCs of HQ, Behold the Sue! Report, yell, for the Fic is come, and the urple of the Sue is written upon thee.
No. 12. Chorus: For unto us a Fic is sent
For unto us a Fic is sent, unto us a Mission is given, and the work of it shall be upon our shoulders: and its name shall be callèd Uncanon, OOC, the Mary Sue, the Expletive Deleted, the Worst of Fic.
No. 16. Recitative: And suddenly there was in the RC
And suddenly there was in the RC a multitude of the loudest swears cursing Sues, and saying:
No. 17. Chorus: Death to the Sue
Death to the Sue the most painful, a kill for us, Bleeprin for all men.
No. 19. Recitative: Then shall the coordinates be programmed
Then shall the coordinates be programmed, and the worst of the fic be entered; then shall the charge list grow rapidly, and the list shall be read aloud.
No. 20. Chorus: Our swords are deadly
Our swords are deadly, and our arrows are sharp.
No. 44. Chorus: Hallelujah
HALLELUJAH! for the True Canon once again reigneth.
The kingdom of the Sue is become the kingdom of Canon, and of its Words: and she is dead for ever and ever.
SUE OF SUES, is DEAD DEAD DEAD, HALLELUJAH!
| Author: | Neshomeh |
|---|---|
| Tune: | “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen” (trad. English) |
| Year: | 2006–2007 |
Sod rest ye merry, brethren,
All Flow’rs of sentient race,
And with a cause of common good
The plotholes now embrace
To save the ’verse from badfic’s pow’r
When rent is time and space—
Oh tidings of portal and ploy,
Portal and ploy,
Oh tidings of portal and ploy!
In Headquarters, in Upstairs-realm,
This covenant was made:
When Sunflower and others all
The Makes-Things Man they bade
Turn clever hands to mighty work,
Protectors now to aid—
Oh tidings of portal and ploy,
Portal and ploy,
Oh tidings of portal and ploy!
From Planet Earth, from Ar’El Land,
Two human girls, they came
To Makes-Things’ lab by portal erred,
And agents they became:
Into a fic, to kill a Sue,
By mission earned the name—
Refrain
“Fear not, then,” said the agents twain,
“Twisteth ye not thy roots,
For from our planet surely ye
May get ye more recruits
To free those canons suffering
As badfic ’verse dilutes—”
Refrain
The Flowers at those tidings
Rejoicèd much in mind,
And on planets both far and near,
Protectors they did find
To join the cause of common good,
The fandom worlds to mind—
Refrain
Then grew the org’nization
Unto proportions vast,
And formèd they departments
With structure built to last,
And so, with Flow’rs and agents all
Together, years they passed—
Refrain
So sing you now great praises,
All you within this place,
And with love and insanity
Each canon now embrace:
Each ’verse belovèd by the pure,
Which others doth deface—
Refrain
Respect the Laws of Narrative,
And send them long to reign,
And many a happy goodfic may
You live to see again
Among the Flow’rs and agents
Who’ve not yet gone insane—
Someone bless you and send you a happy new year,
Happy new year,
Someone send you a happy new year.
| Author: | Rez Montrose |
|---|---|
| Tune: | “Winter Wonderland” by Felix Bernard and Richard B. Smith |
| Year: | 2006–2007 |
| Hear it: | Performed by Keily! |
Console screams, are you listening?
In our hands, swords are glistening
A horrible sight, we’re wary tonight
Suff’ring through a badfic once again.
Disappeared is our true girl
Here instead is a new girl
She sings a rock song, as she goes along
We’re suff’ring through a badfic once again.
In the forest there will be a palace
And inside we’ll find our Mary Sue
She’ll be unaware of all our malice
Until we catch her and we run her through.
Later on, we’ll conspire
As we watch the fic transpire
To kill that Sue dead, with a shot to the head,
For suff’ring through a badfic once again!
| Author: | Nscangal |
|---|---|
| Tune: | “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” (trad. English) |
| Year: | 2006–2007 |
We wish you a fun Sue-killing
We wish you a fun Sue-killing
We wish you a fun Sue-killing and a fandom repaired.
Good Bleeprin we bring to you and your kin
Bleeprin after killing and the fandom’s repaired
Oh bring us her pretty scalp now
Oh bring us her pretty scalp now
Oh bring us her pretty scalp to put on a belt!
We wish you a fun Sue-killing
We wish you a fun Sue-killing
We wish you a fun Sue-killing and a fandom repaired.
Good Bleeprin we bring to you and your kin
Bleeprin after killing and the fandom’s repaired
We’ll put her death on display
We’ll put her death on display
We’ll put her death on display and celebrate it.
We wish you a fun Sue-killing
We wish you a fun Sue-killing
We wish you a fun Sue-killing and a fandom repaired.
Good Bleeprin we bring to you and your kin
Bleeprin after killing and the fandom’s repaired!
| Author: | Keily |
|---|---|
| Tune: | “Where Are You, Christmas?” by Mariah Carey, James Horner, and Will Jennings |
| Year: | 2006–2007 |
Where are you, period?
Why can’t I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the grammar
in this here fanfic?
What is she trying to say?
Structure needs changing
Words rearranging
Why are there apostrophes, too?
Where are you, comma?
Do you remember
when you were used properly?
It’s just not the same
This sentence is lame
You just get abused so easily!
Semicolon is here
Everywhere
Hyphen is here
If you care
There is no love for the little dotted marks
And the space bar is fed to the sharks
I need you, punctuation
It’s the only way
That I can stay sane
The joy of punctuation
Makes a fanfic good
Or at least better than usual
Where are you, punctuation?
This sentence just sucks.