Away in an RC, a chair for a bed
Two PPC agents laid down weary heads
The console then “BEEP”-ed and boy, did they yell
Two PPC agents who’re tired as hell

A mission is calling, so now they must wake
But PPC agents want Bleeprin and breaks
Ironic O’erpower looks down from the sky
And cackles with malice while missions are nigh

Protect all the goodfic and slay all the bad
Though this job is thankless and people go mad
The canon is thankful for your tender care
So slay all the Sues lurking deep in its lairs

Badfic roasting on an open flame,
Flamers cackling in the night;
Fanbrats squeal, “OMG, ur so lame!”
And we say, “Yeah, they’re kinda right.”

Everybody knows that concrit and an open mind
Help to make a fanfic right;
Being mean, being truly unkind,
Will only tend to start a fight.

We know that badfic’s there today
We know that lots of Mary Sues are on their way
And every canon’s fan is gonna cry
And yet we smile—oh yes; I’ll tell you why:

Because the agents of the PPC,
Action, and Infrastructure, too,
Although it is strange, they greet badfic with glee
And make goodfic out of badfic—yes, make goodfic for you.

Joy to the world, the Sue is dead,
And Canon is restored!
Let songs of joy
Ring through HQ,
For death hath come to Sue
For death hath come to Sue
For death, for death hath come to Sue.

Joy to the ’verse! The Canon reigns;
May badfic be destroyed!
A glass of Bleepka
we raise in toast,
to goodfic’s health and joy,
to goodfic’s health and joy,
to goodfic, oh goodfic’s health and joy.

Let no more Sues and bad slash live,
Nor wangst infest the ground!
We’ll never rest
For Duty calls
As long as badfic’s found,
As long as badfic’s found,
As long, as long as badfic’s found!

Canon shall rule with truth and grace,
And Sues fall at Its feet!
Her doom is near; she stands with fear
For revenge shall be so sweet,
Yes, revenge shall be so sweet,
Yes, revenge, revenge shall be so sweet!

O come, all ye agents,
Gleeful and psychotic,
O come ye, O come ye to Rivendell.
Come and behold her, born the Queen of Arda;
O come, let us adore her,
O come, let us ignore her,
O come, let us deplore her,
Mary the Sue.

O charge, dear assassins,
Charge in exultation,
Charge her that tramples on Tolkien’s holy word.
Give to the guilty no trial or quarter;
O come, let us adore her,
O come, let us ignore her,
O come, let us deplore her,
Mary the Sue.

Lo! see the Balrog,
Durin’s Bane approaches,
O Sue! stand and greet thy doom; do not dare to run.
Hail to the canon, now slowly restoring;
O come, let us adore her,
O come, let us ignore her,
O come, let us deplore her,
Mary the Sue.

On my first day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
A Faun in a Peter Pevensie

On my second day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie

On my third day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie

On my fourth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie

On my fifth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Five inappropriate rings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie

On my sixth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Six lubeless Ronons
Five inappropriate rings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie

On my seventh day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Five inappropriate rings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie

On my eighth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Eight pregnant Rincewinds
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Five inappropriate rings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie

On my ninth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Nine Bonds a-frotting
Eight pregnant Rincewinds
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Five inappropriate rings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie

On my tenth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Ten Doctors shagging
Nine Bonds a-frotting
Eight pregnant Rincewinds
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Five inappropriate rings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie

On my eleventh day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Eleven beaten Angels
Ten Doctors shagging
Nine Bonds a-frotting
Eight pregnant Rincewinds
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Five inappropriate rings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie

On my twelfth day in Bad Slash, the Director sent to me
Twelve holiday fluff-fics
Eleven beaten Angels
Ten Doctors shagging
Nine Bonds a-frotting
Eight pregnant Rincewinds
Seven Lupins angsting
Six lubeless Ronons
Five inappropriate rings.
Four bitchy Dracos
Three dumb Sams
Two Elven rapefics
And a Faun in a Peter Pevensie.

What teen is this, whom Suethor wrote,
On Legolas’ lap is weeping?
Whom hobbits greet with anthems sweet
While agents watch are keeping?

This, this is a Mary Sue
Whom hobbits love and elf-boys woo
Haste, haste to kill her now
This monster, this Sue called Mary

Why lies she in fair Rivendell
Where Council now is meeting?
Good fandom, fear, the Sue is near
She’s messed up all the seating.

Sword, bow will pierce her through
The PPC will slay the Sue.
Hail, hail the agents bold
They’ve killed this Sue called Mary

So bring them Bleeprin and a towel
To wipe off all the glitter
Let no Sues sing in Lord of Rings
If she comes, we will hit her.

Raise, raise a cheer for you
Let joy ring over all HQ
Joy, joy, the Sue is dead
That dreadful Sue called Mary.

On my first day interning, the Suethors messed up with
A Time Lord in the Fellowship

On my second day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship

On my third day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship

On my fourth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship

On my fifth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship

On my sixth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship

On my seventh day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship

On my eighth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Eight Twi’leks on Earth
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship

On my ninth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Nine Starfleet Hobbits
Eight Twi’leks on Earth
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship

On my tenth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Ten kids of Sauron
Nine Starfleet Hobbits
Eight Twi’leks on Earth
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship

On my eleventh day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Eleven fangirl Kirk!Sues
Ten kids of Sauron
Nine Starfleet Hobbits
Eight Twi’leks on Earth
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship

On my twelfth day interning, the Suethors messed up with
Twelve Narnia ’cest fics
Eleven fangirl Kirk!Sues
Ten kids of Sauron
Nine Starfleet Hobbits
Eight Twi’leks on Earth
Seven Dalek Sithlords
Six Drall on Riven
Five Extra Rings
Four Narnian Birds
Three Earth quiss
Two Jedi Elves
And a Time Lord in the Fellowship

You’re a mean one, Mary Sue.
You really are a b*tch.
You made Legolas a teenager,
You’ve outdueled Aragorn,
Mary Sue.

You’re so damn perfect that
You give me a twitch.

You’re a monster, Mary Sue.
You’ve screwed the canon up.
Your brain is nonexistent,
And you scream of Sparklipoo,
Mary Sue.

You can’t even touch canon with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.

You’re a vile one, Mary Sue.
You employ much urple prose.
You have all the sappy sweetness
of a giant sugar pill,
Mary Sue.

Given the choice between the two of you
I’d take the giant sugar pill.

You’re a foul one, Mary Sue.
You’re a nasty, wasty slut.
You’ve messed up the numerology,
And you’ve bedded many males,
Mary Sue.

The three words that best describe your fic are as follows, and I quote:
“Stink. Stank. Stunk.”

You’re a harlot, Mary Sue.
You’re the queen of badfic plots.
You’re a walking plothole factory,
using deus-ex-machina,
Mary Sue.

Your fic is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.

You nauseate me, Mary Sue.
With a nauseous super-naus.
I’ve now run out of my Bleeprin
Reading ’bout your sparkly horse.
Mary Sue.

You’re a physically over-perfect canon mangler
With glittery blood.