Away in Headquarters
An agent did sleep
Unaware of the fic that
Would soon make her weep.
A bottle of Bleeprin
Lay drained in her palm;
The harsh lights were dimméd
And all there was calm.

Her dreams were of canon,
Of good, long-gone days
When Mary Sues were not
And Upstairs gave pay;
Her slumb’ring form smiléd
On the rough-cut chair:
For this kind of moment in
The PPC is rare.

Now, dreams can be great things,
But morning comes soon
With grey-walled monotony
And uncanon gloom,
For then the cruel console
Cut short her deep sleep
So cold and unfeeling
As to loudly [BEEEEEP!].

Away on a mission
Not going to bed
The PPC agent
Writes charges instead

The stars of Elentari
Shine down through the night
She hopes that poor agent
Will kill that Sue’s blight.

The canons are coming
The agent’s prepared
A few minutes later
The Sue’s life-impaired

The agent is happy
The mission is done
It’s Christmas in HQ
And killing is fun.

Agent Janet looked about,
Toward her RC console,
Where the Words were printed out
Black and white and urple.
With a choking sound she read,
Laughter mixed with horror
Till at last she gasping said,
Anger in a furor,

“Cygna, come and look at this,
Can you just believe it?
She made Yue’s arrows miss,
And Kaho have a mad fit.”
“She did what now?” Cygna cried
“Oh, just let me get her,
I’ll make her wish that she had died,
When that werewolf bit her!”

Brightly gleamed their swords that night,
Though the fic was cruel
When the victim came in sight,
Flouncing off to school.
Blue hair she had, and eyes not green,
But emerald in color,
Her uniform was pink and green,
And she had shoes of wilver.

“I don’t want to see the rest,
Can we not just kill her?”
Cygna’s mind was not obsessed,
Just a bit off-kilter.
“Three more charges, and we’re done,”
Janet firm insisted,
“But if you must mock someone,
This thing could be MSTed.”

So Cygna waited, and at last,
With one last ‘o i luv u!!!1!’,
The Mary Sue was in a blast
Cloven right in two.
Triumphant then they back returned,
To the PPC,
And the remains were neatly burned,
For Beruthial’s tea.

Dashing through the snow, our quarry sprints away
O’er the fic we go, laughing all the way (HA HA HA!)
Swords on Sue-necks ring, making spirits bright
What fun it is to run and sing a slaying song tonight!

Oh, console yells, Bleeprin quells, partner’s gone insane,
Flow’rs That Be won’t talk to me and never give me pay—hey!
Console yells, Bleeprin quells, partner’s gone insane,
Oh what fun it is to be in the PPC today!

A call or two ago, a mission we did find
The console was aglow, calling us to mind (BEEP BEEP BEEP!)
Poor Frodo’s eyes were blank; the Sue thought she was smart
We charged her near a river bank and shot her through the heart!

Oh, console yells, Bleeprin quells, partner’s gone insane,
Flow’rs That Be won’t talk to me and never give me pay—hey!
Console yells, Bleeprin quells, partner’s gone insane,
Oh what fun it is to be in the PPC today!
Oh what fun it is to be in the P-P-C to-day!

Alas, my love, I feel like dirt
You’ve sewn green sleeves to my orange shirt
My love, you’ve done me worse than that
You’ve made me go out and wear it.

Green sleeves was my afright
Green sleeves was my heart attack.
Green sleeves is a fashion crime
And love, you’ve gone and giv’n me that.

Alas, my love, I feel so bad
That was the only shirt I had
And now you’ve made it orange and green
A combination that ne’re should be seen.

Green sleeves was my afright
Green sleeves was my heart attack.
Green sleeves is a fashion crime
And love, you’ve gone and giv’n me that!

Mary Sues lusting after Legolas
Assassins skewering them all
Long charge lists being jotted hurriedly
And canon screwed up beyond belief.

Everybody knows Orlando Bloom and a blonde wig
Are not what make a canon Elf.
But see Elijah Wood with his eyes oh so blue
And soon you’ll fantasize, yourself.

We know the PPC are on their way
To these very bad fics, more Mary Sues to slay
And every bit character is gonna stay
To see if they can be recruited (rather ‘may’)

So I’m offering bottles o’ Bleeprin
To able-bodied agents everywhere
Although your paychecks have been delayed for so long
Take this payment (take this payment)
Take this payment—it’s fair.

You better watch out
Don’t make pirates cry
The canon, don’t flout
I’m telling you why
PPC is coming to town

They’re making a list,
And charging you twice;
They can’t stand “Queen Mist”
When her eyes look like ice.
PPC is coming to town

They see when Sue is weeping
Theatrics for luuuuv’s sake
She bats her eyes: “Beauty is good!”
But we know her figure’s fake!

O! You better watch out!
You better not try
To make Turner doubt
Her for whom he’d die.
PPC is coming to town.
PPC is coming to town.

Silent night, lust-filled night
’Sue sighs nigh, eyes so bright,
Leg’las poses valiantly
Kisses uncanonically
Her hair shines silver, purple,
Shimmering, dazzling, urple

Silent night, ire-filled night,
Agents’ mouths grow thin and tight
Angry pens write charge lists,
Nails dig into furious fists
’Sue’s dress a rainbow flood
Soon to be covered in blood

Silent night, deadly night,
PPC with great delight,
Slay the ’Sue mercilessly,
Read the list belatedly,
Leg’las stumbles forward
Unsued – canon’s restored!

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
*We see the Sue punching the PPC corridors with holly wrapped around her hand.*

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la!

’Tis the season to be jolly
*We see a group of agents rolling on the floor laughing at her.*

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la!

Don we now our gay apparel
*The Sue is trying to persuade Dafydd to wear a pink sequined outfit. Needless to say, he is refusing.*

Fa-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la!

Troll the ancient yuletide carol
*The Sue is on a message board called “the ancient yuletide carol.” She is trolling it.*

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la!

What maid is this, who laid to rest
On Leggy’s lap is sleeping?
Who thinks her voice is oh so sweet
And Aragorn’s heart is keeping?

This, this, is Mary Sue
Whom agents hunt and canons rue
Haste, haste, to melt her Ring
It should not be existing

Why lies she here in the Prince’s keep
When he is wearily sighing?
So irritating, even in sleep
She’ll keep Boromir from dying

“What shall we do with this perfect chick
Whose death is now a sure thing?”
“I say we shoot her, nice and quick!”
“Something more evil, I’m thinking...”

What maid is this who laid to rest
In Shelob’s lair is sleeping?
An arrow through her perfect chest
But she is yet breathing...

This, this, was Mary Sue
Tried to shag Estel (and Leggy too)
But now she’s dead, and we’re all so glad
For her lack of commas was truly sad...