[Random Agent]
Each clicking key used to fill us with glee
And the words that they made were all thrilling us;
Now all we feel is a loss of our zeal
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

Each new badfic makes us ever more sick—
All these Suethors and fanbrats are drilling us!
Celebrian’s name may never sound the same
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

[Spirit of Optimism]
But don’t lose hope! There’s still goodfic in the thick of it!
True fans still exist who write better than all right!

[Random Agent]
I can’t tell—there’s too much swill, and it makes me ill!
How can I stay upbeat with shaved Hobbit feet?!

Each new update used to make us feel great,
Till we’d glow with the happiness filling us;
Now ev’ry ping is a reason to scream
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

Each misspelled word just makes things more absurd,
Till our Bleeprin is all that is filling us.
Eyes start to bleed with each line that we read
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

[Spirit of Optimism]
But not ev’ry fan’s a cuckoo who gives Kael’thas boobs!
Some write very well—trust me! I know what I’ve seen!

[Random Agent]
My soul dies with each new Sue, ev’ry canon-screw;
My sanity breaks more with each vampire whore!

Each laugh like bells makes us all feel unwell,
And though they think they’re swell, they put canons through hell!
Take a look; you can tell all our IQs just fell!

Because bad fanfics are killing us!
Killing us!
These badfics are killing us!

How do you capture the vision of Tolkien?
How do you count all the treasures of Smaug?
How can you measure our love of the canon?
And how do you write all the Dwarrows so proud?

Candlelight, Elven-light
Dragonfire and star glow
Shining on Arda till breaking of dawn
Badfic, oh! Badfic, woe! In excess is coming!
Agents are singing
The movies are here.

Fangirls and fanbrats will watch and adore them
Agents around them their vigil will keep
Hunting down bad slash, bad grammar and plotholes
Then read the goodfics, till they fall asleep.

Find them at Rivendell, taking their photos
Keeping the onslaught of songfics at bay
Petting the gaint-ass spiders of Mirkwood
Childish and deadly on this winter’s day.

[Caroline]
Hark! Hear the shrieks—
Indignant squeaks—
Filling the halls,
Deaf’ning us all!

[Fiona]
Gilbert’s a mouse!
Who is the louse
Who turned him cute,
But didn’t mute—

[Caroline]
His grating whine?
O! mini mine!
Flutteryshy
Flies gaily by,
Cackling with glee,
Then—mercy me!—
Spots Veralyn
And makes her spin!

[Fiona]
’Round, ’round she goes
On tippy-toes!
On down the hall—
Into a wall!

O! how they fume!
Pacing the room,
They plan a stew—or
Mini fondue!

Gilly, Gilly, Gilly’s blown a gasket!

[Caroline]
Veralyn just grabbed a basket!

[Fiona]
Now they give chase,
Red in the face!

[Caroline]
Don’t intervene—
They’ll eat your spleen!

[Both]
Oi...

Dashing through the flow
of fiction so sublime,
through the wires we go,
for ’tis good fanfic time!
Swift we follow links,
laughter ringing clear,
With our separate voices we
Thank words that we hold dear.

No badfics here! Badfics there!
Give agents a break.
Revel in your fandoms now
don’t chuck them in the lake!

If you read you’ll see
the Word Worlds triumph somehow!

This department, we step boldly into fanfics
We’re scouting out for the plotholes and pitfalls
This department is thankless and largely ignored
But without them the Action agents would stumble
Into unknowns
We write up all reports
And pray for more Bleeprin

This department, we sort out the goodfics from bad
With no respites from the brain-breaking workload
This department, we travel at length through the world incognito
With only Bleeprin in tow

Don’t forget
Don’t forget us spies
Who sort
Your missions

This department is scarred, bearing wounds in our hearts
And feeling the full weight of our burdens
This department goes on in the wings of a stage
Underneath Rosa, we will carry on
Through Pit and Circle

Don’t forget
Don’t forget us spies
Who sort
Your missions

Hark! The blasted console’s BEEPing
Our next mission’s calling!
We just got back from our last
Wake up now, move fast fast fast!

Grab your CAD and portal in
Witness the Sue’s deadly sin
Kill her with a vengeance deep
Then go back to get some sleep

But hark! The blasted console BEEP!
And into the fic the agents leap.

I saw a pair of agents fly
Through HQ’s dreary halls
“What cause have you, so loud,” asked I
“To stir these battered walls?”

“A race!” they called, and off they flew
I saw them never more
But heard their tale around HQ
From those who watched them soar.

Two dragons raced, with wings unveiled
To test their speed and skill
One from Improbabilities hailed
But lost – said she was ill.

The other served Intelligence’s Rose
And claimed the victory crown
She wears it now where’er she goes
And never puts it down!

I saw Sherlock kissing Mary Sue
Underneath Aura of Smooth last night
She didn’t see me weep
Or rage and gnash my teeth
She thought that she was living out a dirty fantasy

Then I stepped forth and charged the Mary Sue
Pushing her off rooftops to the ground!
The canon snapped back into shape
And my partner and I escaped
With our splatted Mary Sue pancake!

[The RMC]
Hohohoho!
It’s in the HQ getting cold as the North Pole
It’s huddling up and getting warm by the console
It’s true, wherever you feel home it feels like Christmas

[James]
A cup of Bleepka that we share with another
A game of Scrabble with a friend or a brother

[All]
In all the places you feel home it feels like Christmas

[The RMC]
It is the season of rejoicing
A special time of cheering
Vacation time is near

[All]
And it is the season of the sprit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year

[Mittens]
It’s in the giving out of gifts to your best friends
A pair of mittens that were made with your own hands

[All]
It’s all the ways that we show love that feel like Christmas

[Saxo and James]
A part of childhood that we’ll always remember
Although we’ve only been here since last November

[Saxo]
Yes, when you do your best for love it feels like Christmas

[The RMC]
It is the season of rejoicing
A special time of cheering
Vacation time is near

[Saxo, James and Mittens]
It is the season of the spirit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year

[The RMC]
It’s in the HQ getting cold as the North Pole
It’s huddling up and getting warm by the console
It’s true, wherever you feel home it feels like Christmas
It’s true, wherever you feel home it feels like

[All]
Christmas

[The RMC]
It feels like

[All]
Christmas

[The RMC]
It feels like

[All]
Christmas

[The RMC]
It feels like

[All]
Christmas.

[The Marquis de Sod]
Joy to the world!
The week’s rolled round
And payday’s here again
Let’s give the agents
A little money
Then maybe they won’t quit
Oh, please don’t let them quit
I don’t want to go into the Worlds again.

[Sambar, Department of Finance]
Joy to the world.
The week’s rolled round.
And payday’s here again.
Now all my books
Need going over
And where is my red pen?
Oh, who took my red pen?
I’ve lost my pen, my one red pen!

[Tango, Department of Mary Sues]
Joy to the world!
The week’s rolled round
And payday’s here again!
It may be peanuts but
It’s all I’ve got
So let’s go down the pub
Please, let’s go down the pub
I need a drink, let’s go down the pub.

[Mortic, Department of WhatThe]
Joy to the— [BEEEEP]
Oh, shut up, you
I just wanted a rest!
I don’t care what you—
Wait, is that Legolas?
And Sherlock and the Borg?
Oh, come on then, let’s go
Just one more mission and THEN a break.

[CAL-9000, Department of Dead Author Electricity Generation]
Joy to the world
The week’s rolled round
And payday’s here again.
Now what am I
Supposed to do
With money, I ask you
I mean, I am a robot
In fact, why am I even bothering to sing this song and make it scan?

[The Agents]
Joy to the world!
The week’s rolled round
And payday’s here again!
It isn’t much but
Hey, it’s a job

[Tango]
So let’s go down the pub

[Mortic]
I’m a bit busy right now

[The Agents]
Oh, life goes on in the PPC!

I know of a department within the PPC
Whose agents delve into badfics to see what they can see
While trying not to fall victim to Sueish revelry:

O three cheers for the DoI!
DoI!
O three cheers for the DoI!

Department of Intelligence, without you we’d be lost!
We’d dive blindly into badfics – I shiver at the cost:
So many more agents into the looney bin we’d toss!

O three cheers for the DoI!
DoI!
O three cheers for the DoI!

How would we know what to expect – what we might hear and see?
How could we hope to save so many innocent OCs?
Without the DoI, this job would really get to me!

O three cheers for the DoI!
DoI!
O three cheers for the DoI!

So off you go, you spies unsung, to sniff out fics gone wrong,
And come back – safe, we hope – to pinpoint what does not belong!
And with your help, we’ll all keep ev’ry canon safe and strong!

O three cheers for the DoI!
DoI!
O three cheers for the DoI!

One small agent stands alone
With his CAD down by his side
One small agent on his own
With his CAD to check canon

He protects the canon, killing Sues
He keeps the canon true
He’s one agent against badfic
Which makes his heart so blue

“Who can mend my broken CAD?
Will it be as good as new?
I must go on a mission
If I can’t what shall I do?”

He protects the canon, killing Sues
He takes the canon’s side
When the console BEEPs, inside he creeps
From the canons he must hide

For he protects the canon, killing Sues
He keeps the canon true
It might not pay, but still he’ll say
Happy Sporking Times to you!

He protects the canon, killing Sues
He keeps the canon true
Makes-Things has repaired his CAD
And he goes on his mission

So he protects the canon, killing Sues
He keeps the canon true
When a mission’s bad, he uses his CAD
Happy Sporking Times to you!
Happy Sporking Times to you!
Happy Sporking Times to you!
Happy Sporking Times to you!

You better watch out
You Sues and you Stus
If you know who is coming for you.
The PPC is coming to town.

They’re making a list
Of charges for you.
And if it’s too big then you’ll be shot through.
The PPC is coming to town.

They know if you’ve been bending
The canon till it breaks.
For messing with the characters,
They’ll turn you into steaks.

O... With swords and arrows
With poison and guns,
They’ll right what was wrong and clean up your fun.
The PPC is coming to town.

So this is Gotham
and what have you done?
The Batman I once knew
never used a gun.
And so this is Gotham.
Joker’s kissing Robin
instead of his usual
evil spree of robbin’.

CHORUS:
A very sad canon
unfamiliar to us.
Perhaps it was unwise
to leave it in your trust.

So this is Hogwarts
and what have you done?
Like Aragog’s webbing,
a change you have spun
And so this is Hogwarts.
Ron has gone to the dark
the others now struggle
without friendship’s spark.

CHORUS

So this is Kanto
and what have you done?
If you really need Legends,
limit it to one.
And so this is Kanto
and my eyes just bled.
Your Pokémon and you
should not be in bed.

CHORUS

So this is Sparta
and what have you done?
With all of the slash here,
the fight never begun.
And so this is Sparta.
Just see the effects
of history altered,
and all thanks to sex.

CHORUS

Story’s over;
I don’t want it.
Story’s over now.

Bonus verses by KittyNoodles:

So this is Outland
And what have you done?
The whole Burning Legion
Is insanely dumb.
And is this Azeroth?!
The Lich King is high!
What’s with the new island?
You’ve made Varian cry!

So this is Arda
And what have you done?
With so much canoodling
The Quest has not begun.
And so this is Arda—
But the Elves are in thongs.
There’s shapechanging wenches
Wailing bad nineties songs.

[Feel free to sing with your own verses!]

What’s this? What’s this?
Odd colors everywhere
What’s this?
There’s glitter in the air
What’s this?
I can’t believe my eyes
I hope I’m dreaming
Wake up, Jack, this isn’t fair
What’s this?

What’s this? What’s this?
There’s something very wrong
What’s this?
The Elves are wearing thongs
What’s this?
The streets are lined with
Little creatures laughing
Everybody seems so sappy
I have probably gone daffy
What is this?
What’s this?

The Dwarves are drinking Red Bull here
instead of drinking ale
They’re busy writing pop songs
Completely filled with fail
Blank stares on every face here
Oh, I can’t believe my eyes
And in my throat I feel my lunch
This crap has forced to rise

Oh, look
What’s this?
They’re dancing a tango
They kiss?
This all looks so clichéd
A pyre!
While they’re gathered around to hear a story
I should set it all on fire
What’s this?
What’s this?

In here they’ve got a little stage,
How queer
And who would ever think
And why?

They’re filling it with tiny puppets
They all look like drunken Muppets
And they are giving a recap
So, now, can’t I just portal back?
This looks like crap
This looks like crap
Oh, could it be that I’m in hell?
What’s this?

Oh my, what now?
The Fellowship’s asleep
But look, somebody’s trying to creep
Oh Glod
To sneak into the bed of Strider
To confide her
Everlasting love and
Hear him say it in return
What’s this?

The Hobbits are all missing
And the Wizard can’t be found
And in their place there seem to be
Bad copies all around
Above my screams, I swear
I can hear music in the air
The smell of saccharine plots
Is absolutely everywhere

The sights, the sounds
They’re everywhere and all around
I’ve never felt so bad before
This angry place inside of me is swelling up
I have just simply had enough

I want out, oh, I want out
Oh, I want out as I moan
Don’t wanna to know
Don’t wanna to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?
Badfic Town, hmm...