Author:	Scapegrace
Tune:	“White Christmas” by Irving Berlin
Year:	2013

I’m stuck inside a beige Christmas,
Full to the brim with leaden prose,
Where the Words inspire
Ennui and ire,
And my hatred for canon abuse grows

I’m stuck inside a beige Christmas,
And praying I can last the night...
Characters are insipid and trite,
It’s their faces I wish to ignite...

I’m stuck inside a beige Christmas,
And praying neuralyzers might
Just end these poor abused canons’ plight,
Let’s get started. Look into the light...

Author:	Huinesoron
Tune:	“Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” / “The Christmas Song” by Bob Wells and Mel Tormé
Year:	2013

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
It’s just as twisted as it sounds
Poor old canons being thrown in the briar
Or being run down by the hounds
Everybody knows some violence and some horror goes
A bit too far, won’t sleep tonight
Being tortured, under flu-or-escent glow
Takes some doing to set right

It isn’t Christmas – not this way
If we’ve to deal with stories of death and decay
Give us a break, they don’t have to die!
Or all the other things we ever decry
So DAVD is offering this simple plea
To fanfic writers old or new
This Christmas time
Just this one day this year
Stop the violence – we beg you.

Author:	Neshomeh
Tune:	“Dreidel Song” arr. Trey Parker and Matt Stone
Year:	2013

*Jennifer Robinson, a nurse, and Alex Bjørnsen, an intern, enter the Department of Fictional Psychology’s foyer together from Unit C*

Jenni: Okay, Alex, you’re new, so I have to teach you how things are done around here. That way’s Unit A, where all the canon characters, recruits, and agents stay when badfic makes them lose their minds. You do your rounds and try to keep them from being more insane than they’re supposed to be. Repeat after me...

|| I am a nurse in FicPsych, I work both night and day
|| And if you ask me why, then this is what I’ll say:
|| Oh, FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, for when they lose their way,
|| FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, in FicPsych they all stay.

Now you try it!

*Alex mumbles something incoherent to the tune*

Head Nurse Suzine: *enters from Unit B* What the heck is this? Did some idiot summon that musical demon from the Buffyverse again?

Jenni: Relax, Suzine. I’m just teaching our young Alex about FicPsych. You should help!

Suzine: All right, learn this:

|| I’m Head Nurse in FicPsych
|| I work both night and day
|| And we’re not in a musical,
|| So put your songs away!

Jenni: Oh, come on, killjoy!

Suzine:
|| Work, no time for games
|| Work, or down in flames.

|| J: FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, for when they lose their way,
||     FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, in FicPsych they all stay.
|| S: Work, no time for games
||     Work, or down in flames.

Nurse Elms: *enters from Unit A* Hey, what’s going on? Are you guys singing? *snerk*

Suzine: Yes, and it’s sooo productive. We should stand around and do this all day.

Elms: *guffaw* Sure, why not?

|| I’ll try to make them sane
|| Then to the pub again.

|| J: Oh, FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, for when they lose their way,
||     FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, in FicPsych they all stay.
|| E: I’ll try to make them sane
||     Then to the pub again.

*dramatic key-change!*

|| J: Oh, FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, for when they lose their way,
||     FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, in FicPsych they all stay.
|| E: I’ll try to make them sane
||     Then to the pub again.
|| S: Work, no time for games
||     Work, or down in flames.

|| J: Oh, FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, for when they lose their way,
||     FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, in FicPsych they all stay.
|| E: I’ll try to make them sane
||     Then to the pub again.
|| S: Work, no time for games
||     Work, or down in flames!

Nurse Nathonea Dewstan: *enters from Unit C* Hi, everyone!

J & E: Hi, Nath!

Nathonea: I think it’s great that you’re all singing together. You know a good ensemble piece can really propel a theme to new heights!

Suzine: Yes, we know, random musical numbers are just the best possible use of our time...

Nathonea:
|| Now when you learn to treat them with Bleeprin
|| You’ll know, the nurses always win!

|| N: (Keep singing!) learn to treat them with Bleeprin
||     You’ll know, the nurses always win!
|| S: Work, no time for games
||     Work, or down in flames!

*Nurse Loquacious Immac bounces in from Unit B, festooned with kittens*

Jenni: Oh, hey, Immie! Er...

Immac: *oblivious to the odd looks she’s getting* Hi, everyone! Can I sing, too?!

Jenni: *shrugs* Sure!

|| I am a nurse in FicPsych, I work both night and day
|| And if you ask me why, then this is what I’ll—

Everybody!

|| J: FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, for when they lose their way,
||     FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, in FicPsych they all stay.
|| E: I’ll try to make them sane
||     Then to the pub again.
|| S: Work, no time for games
||     Work, or down in flames.
|| N: Now when you learn to treat them with Bleeprin
||     You’ll know, the nurses always win!
|| I: Kitty-cats, they’re so cute!
||     Soft and sweet, I love them!

|| J: FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, for when they lose their way,
||     FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, in FicPsych they all stay.
|| E: I’ll try to make them sane
||     Then to the pub again.
|| S: Work, no time for games
||     Work, or down in flames!
|| N: ’Cos when you learn to treat them with Bleeprin
||     You’ll know, the nurses always win!
|| I: Kitty-cats, they’re so cute!
||     Soft and sweet, I love them!

*all but Immac stop, not quite sure what they’re hearing*

Immac:
|| Kitty-cats, they’re so cute!
|| Soft and sweet, I love them!
|| Kitty-cats, they’re...

Hey, why’d everybody stop?

Jenni: Immie, we’re singing about the department, for Alex.

Alex: *looks utterly bewildered*

Elms: And that doesn’t even rhyme!

Immac: Oh, sorry. But we should totally have therapy kittens!

Suzine: We’ll talk about this later, Nurse Immac!

|| J: Oh, FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, for when they lose their way,
||     FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, in FicPsych they all stay.
|| E: I’ll try to make them sane
||     Then to the pub again.
|| S: Work, no time for games
||     Work, or down in flames.
|| N: Now when you learn to treat them with Bleeprin
||     You’ll know, the nurses always win!
|| I: Kitty-cats, they’re so cute!
||     Soft and sweet, I love them!

*another dramatic key-change!*

|| J: Oh, FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, for when they lose their way,
||     FicPsych, FicPsych, FicPsych, in Fic-Psych-they-all-staaay!
|| E: I’ll try to make them sane
||     Then to, to-the-pub-a-gaaain!
|| S: Work, no time for games
||     Work, or-we’re-down-in-flaaames!
|| N: ’Cos when you learn to treat them with Bleeprin
||     You’ll know, the nur-ses-al-ways-wiiin!
|| I: Kitty-cats, they’re so cute!
||     Soft and sweet, kit-tens-I-love-youuu!

Author:	Zingenmir
Tune:	“Dreidel Song” / “I Have a Little Dreidel” by Mikhl Gelbart and Samuel E. Goldfarb
Year:	2013

I have a mini-Balrog
It was spawned by a Sue
My partner gave it to me—
Oh, that day I would rue!

CHORUS:
Oh, mini, mini, mini
What will I do with you?
You burnt up all my arrows
And even my new shoe.

Its name is Caradaras
Like the pass, don’t you know
(The Sue that spawned it didn’t
So my partner told her so!)

CHORUS

Now when I’m on a mission
And freezing in the snow
I wish I had my mini
To make everything glow!

CHORUS

Author:	hermione of vulcan
Tune:	“Lo, How a Rose E’er Blooming” (trad. German)
Year:	2013

Lo, how the Flow’rs ere looming,
From tender stems hath sprung,
From Origin World they cometh,
As hS’ tales have sung.
They came a beacon bright,
Amid a badfic winter,
In the dark of a Suvian night.

Author:	EileenAlphabet
Tune:	“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” by Frank Loesser
Year:	2013

We really can’t stay
(But, partner, a Sue’s out there)
We got to go away
(But, partner, there’s squick out there)

The console has made
(And look, wouldn’t you just hate)
That awful BEEP!
(If I saw things that made me weep)

The SO will start to worry
(Commas falling down in a flurry)
The Big Thorn will be pacing the floor
(Listen to the author’s note roar)

So really we’d better scurry
(The tenses have all gone blurry)
But maybe just half a drink more
(Got some Bleepka here; let me pour)

Upstairs might think
(Partner, it’s bad out there)
Say, what’s in this drink
(No plot to be had out there)

I wish you would see
(Listen to my fervent plea)
That we can’t stay
(That Sue will make us all her prey)

We do have a duty, partner
(Could be our death to charge her)
At least we ought to say that we tried
(But we could both end up fried)
We really can’t stay
(Partner, just stay here)

Ahh, but a Sue’s out there

We simply must go
(But, partner, there’s angst out there)
The answer is no
(Torture and rape out there)

Though our RC is
(Better lay low through this)
So nice and warm
(Look at that punctuation storm)

Upstairs will be suspicious
(But this Sue is so malicious)
They’ll know if we don’t go in
(With purple eyes and ivory skin)

They’ll punish us for delaying
(How, they’re not even paying)
Well maybe just half a drink more
(Never such a badfic before)

We’ve got to start now
(But, partner, there’s smut out there)
Say, lend me a bow
(It’s up to your butt out there)

I hear what you say
(And she is too hard to slay)
But don’t you see
(How can we do this, you and me)

Sanction will be forthcoming
(The plotline is truly mind-numbing)
Vacation days will be revoked
(Vacation days are just a cruel joke)
We really can’t stay
(Get over that holdout)

Aah, but a Sue’s out there

Author:	World-Jumper
Tune:	“Chiron Beta Prime” by Jonathan Coulton
Year:	2013

This year has been a little crazy for the agents here.
You may recall the ’fic explosion last year.
The Board of Flowers have us doing missions double-time.
That hasn’t undermined our holiday cheer.
And we know it’s almost Christmas by the mistletoe abuse.
It’s still our favorite time of year.

Merry Christmas from PPC HQ,
Where we’re killing Mary Sues for our floral overlords.
Did I say overlords? I meant directors.
Merry Christmas from PPC HQ.

In every fanfic there’s a pair of DoI agents,
who watches over it with shaking red pens.
They write up charges and decide if the fic’s bad or good.
Well, maybe more’d be good if everyone tried.
But the halls outside DMS exude shimmery glitter snow.
It’s like a winter wonderland.

Merry Christmas from PPC HQ,
Where we’re killing Mary Sues for our floral overlords.
Did I say overlords? I meant directors.
Merry Christmas from PPC HQ.

That’s all the local news that we’re allowed to talk about.
We really hope you’ll ask us to visit soon.
I mean we’re literally begging you to invite us.
And make it quick before the they – [BEEEEEEEEP]. (Ah, dang it.)
Well, we’ve got another mission – another Gary Stu must die!
You know we love their emo speech!

Merry Christmas from PPC HQ,
Where we’re killing Mary Sues for our floral overlords.
Did I say overlords? I meant directors.
Merry Christmas from PPC HQ.

Author:	Herr Wozzeck
Tune:	“White Christmas” by Irving Berlin
Year:	2013

I’m dreaming of a Sue Christmas
Just like the ones I used to fear
Where the minis hustled
And agents bustled
To stand and perhaps to jeer.

I’m dreaming of a Sue Christmas
Between the many shots of booze
May your missions go very slow
And may all your Christmases have Sues

Author:	Araeph
Tune:	“The Boar’s Head Carol” (trad. English)
Year:	2013

Original song lyrics here. Latin wasn’t quite flexible enough, so I added in some Spanish and Quenya for good measure.

The Sue’s head in hand bear I,
Bedeck’d with gems so glittery
And I pray Eru, Valar, merry be
Blennum molestum prehendō. (I catch the annoying blockhead)

CHORUS:
Caput Suei defero (The Sue’s head I offer)
Redens laudes Canonico. (Giving praises to the Canon)

The Sue’s head, as I understand
Is the commonest in Fanficland
Which thus is dreck and so very bland
Pero también ridículo. (But also ridiculous)

CHORUS

The Stewardship she did dismiss
To elope with Faramir in bliss
He tells us, post-neuralysis:
Ai, hantanyel órenyallo! (Oh, I thank you from the bottom of my heart)

CHORUS