Have you heard the sound
of the agents’ voices
ringing out with charges
ringing out so clear?

Have you seen the blades
shining oh so brightly
as a grim warning
the PPC is here?

Have you heard the news
that they bring from HQ
to the brainwashed canons
who have waited long?

Bad slash, oh, in excess! We kill it!
Bad slash, woe, in excess! We kill it!
Hear the agents sing their joyful song

They have come with bows
and will send off arrows
like a gentle snowfall
in the gentle night

They have come with rage
and one single purpose
to drive out the wraiths
and all the Sues to smite

They have come with love
for the words of canon
And of goodfics, fanart
and a fandom true

Suefics, oh, in excess! We kill them!
Suefics, woe, in excess! We kill them!
Hear the agents singing “Slay that Sue”

They will bring new light
to the worlds in darkness
bringing all replacements
quick deaths from above

They will bring new hope
to the waiting canons
when they quote the words
with purity and love

Let the worlds rejoice
at the agents’ coming
Let the Flowers join in
with the joyful verse

Bad AUs, in excess! We kill them!
Bad AUs, in excess! We kill them!
Hear the agents singing “End the curse”

“I really love this job!” said nobody
Those vacation hours are gone you see
And I know just who to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish from Upstairs, see
is as plain as it can be!

All I want from Upstairs is a vacation,
a vacation, just a vacation!
Gee, if I could only have a vacation,
then I could finally be happy!

It seems so long since I could say,
“Man, Upstairs is really kind and thoughtful!”
Gosh oh gee, how happy I’d be,
if I could only relax—[BEEP!]

All I want from Upstairs is a vacation,
a vacation, a vacation.
Gee, if I could only have a vacation,
then I could finally be happy!

There’s a Code Eighteen here on Arda
We see the daughter of Manwë and Varda
Lead a score out at noon
Not at dusk, and too soon,
For they leave ASAP
En route to Mount Doom

And there are nine love interests calling
For canonicals—Gandalf’s not falling!
They in Rohan arrive,
Boromir’s still alive!
For there’s a Code Eighteen here on Arda.

There’s a Code Eighteen, for certain.
One Sue’s a Vanya, and canon is hurtin’.
For “A/N: Arwen who?
“Eveningstar, nuts to you!”
For there’s a Code Eighteen here on Arda.

We find nine obscure ways
To do nine Sues away
And no more Code Eighteen here on Arda.
And no more Code Eighteen here on Arda.

Dear Ironic Overpower,
Lean your ear this way;
Don’t you tell a single soul
What I’m going to say,

Our next mission’s coming soon;
Now my dear IO,
Whisper what you’ll make me see;
I really need to know.

When the console’s beeping loud,
When I’m fast asleep,
Through the portal, dressed in black,
With our packs we’ll creep;

All the charges we will find
In the assigned fics;
We each want our own rewards;
So please give them quick.

Jay wants a new Polaroid;
Luxury wants a dolly;
Nume just wants a new novel,
one he hasn’t read.

As for me, I hardly know
so I’ll go to rest;
Choose, Ironic Overpower,
What you think is best.

Oh, Harry Potter had a baby boy
Oh, Harry Potter had a baby boy
Oh, Harry Potter had a baby boy
And he birthed it through his anus.

It came from his colon,
It came from that wizard kid’s colon!
It came from his colon,
It came from that wizard kid’s colon!
Get the debugger!
Get the debugger!
It came from his colon,
It came from that wizard kid’s colon!

The agents wept when the baby was born
The agents wept when the baby was born
The agents wept when the baby was born
What’s become of little Albus?

He fell through a plothole,
He fell through a buggery plothole!
He fell through a plothole,
He fell through a buggery plothole!
Get the debugger!
Get the debugger!
He fell through a plothole,
He fell through a buggery plothole!

Oh, Snape, he saw when the baby was born
Oh, Snape, he saw when the baby was born
Oh, Snape, he saw when the baby was born
What’s become of our Severus?

He knocked up poor Harry,
He knocked up that poor Harry Potter!
He knocked up poor Harry,
He knocked up that poor Harry Potter!
Get the debugger!
Get the debugger!
He knocked up poor Harry,
He knocked up that poor Harry Potter!

The agents charged, for the baby was born
The agents charged, for the baby was born
The agents charged, for the baby was born
And they debugged the little fetus.

They took it to HQ,
They took it to Headquarters, woo hoo!
They took it to HQ,
They took it to Headquarters, woo hoo!
Get the debugger!
Get the debugger!
And take it to HQ,
And take it to Headquarters, woo hoo!

Fandom’s imploding, fics are exploding
But canon weathers the harm
What do I care how many fics swarm?
I’ve got canon to keep me warm!

I can’t recall a worse shipping brawl
But I keep back from the brink
What do I care how many ships sink?
I’ll always have my canon link!

Down with the inserts, down with the pairs
Back to the canon, you’ll see how it fares
Flames are brightening, but my soul’s lightening
And I can float high above
The fandom wank, I’ve had enough of
My heart is filled with canon love!

Out with the movies, no adaptation
Will ever remove from me canon’s elation
I know the form my world has always worn
Fills me with love to keep me warm!

The badfic mounts on the Pit tonight
Not a goodfic to be seen
Every canon in devastation,
And Suethors screaming, “MEAN!1!!”

The minis growling like the badfic storm outside
Couldn’t keep them down, no matter what we tried.

Take some Bleeprin, try not to snap
If we stop, then the canon’s a wrap
Move on, don’t stop, don’t let them go
Well, here we go!

So just go, so just go
Exorcise every god and mortal
So just go, so just go
Then away through another portal!

I don’t care
What the next fic will say
Let the Sues cry on,
We can’t let them have this holiday.

It’s “funny” how some badfics
Make everything taste like pain
And canon’s breaking uncontrollably
I’m going to go insane!

Time to see what this fic’ll do
What grammar rules that they’ll break through
Just right the wrong, canon for me
Another fic slash-free!

So just go, so just go
Did she fall from the freaking sky?
So just go, so just go
All this badfic will make me cry.

Here I stand
Though I can’t stay
And the Sues cry on

I rush to charge across this urple ground
Oh great, did they just break the speed of sound?
And one thought slams into me in a blast:
“Not another time-travel fic,
The past should stay the past!”

So just go, so just go
No time to sleep, no time to yawn
So just go, so just go
Yet another perfect girl is gone!

Here we stand
In the badfics’ way
And the Sues cry on,
We can’t let them have this holiday.

Let all Suvian flesh keep silence,
And with fear and trembling stand;
Ponder nothing glitter-minded,
For with charge lists in their hands,
PPC agents descending
With the Canon to demand.

Over Arda, our Sue of Mary,
Ruled with glittered fist and lust,
Walk’d with Fellowship and woo’d many,
Twisting purposes to her own;
She has powers, yea, innumerable
But she only seeks her Twoo Wuv.

Rank on rank the host of Canon
Spreads its vanguard on the way,
As the Light of light descendeth
From the realms of endless day,
That the powers of Sue may vanish
As the glitter clears away.

In the wreck the tired agents,
Caffeinated with sleepless eyes,
Trudge through portals back to HQ
As with ceaseless voice they cry:
Alleluia, Alleluia
Alleluia, Canon prevails!

Agents far, agents wide
Now rejoice on every side.
Agents dance, agents sway—
The SO has gone away!

What we’ll do now, we don’t care,
If nothing else, he’s outta our hair!
Good paychecks are now in store—
And vacations, more and more!

I’m sure he must have been surprised
At what OFUM had done for him
’cause never in a million lives
Would he have dreamt of Ms. Holling.

But watching as she slumbered
He saw with his own eyes
A smile on Lina’s face he recognised
And Gimli thought

Why me?
I’m just a dwarf without a mine
Why here?
Inside this crazy uni ’verse
Why now?
When she’s in classes all the time
Why her?
She was a Legoluster first!

Now I’m not one to second-guess
A blessing from above...
But isn’t this a strange way
To fall in love?

Just think of how it could have been
If Lina had got what she desired
She would have been with Legolas
And never known her Gimli’s fire

But as the school year closes
They come to say goodbye
And Gimli looks into his Lina’s eyes
And Gimli thinks

Why me?
I’m just a dwarf without a mine
(Dwarf without a mine)
Why here?
Inside this crazy uni ’verse
Why now?
(Why now?)
When she’s in classes all the time
Why me?
I was a Legoluster first!

Now I’m not one to second-guess
A blessing from above...
But isn’t this a strange way
To fall in love?

On the first day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
A CAF’s hide for Luxury!

On the second day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
Two agents crazed
And a CAF’s hide for Luxury!

On the third day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
Three C-CADs
Two agents crazed
And a CAF’s hide for Luxury!

On the fourth day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
Four Sue Soufflés
Three C-CADs
Two agents crazed
And a CAF’s hide for Luxury!

On the fifth day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
Five hours with Molly
Four Sue Soufflés
Three C-CADs
Two agents crazed
And a CAF’s hide for Luxury!

On the sixth day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
Six bells a-ringing
Five hours with Molly
Four Sue Soufflés
Three C-CADs
Two agents crazed
And a CAF’s hide for Luxury!

On the seventh day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
Seven pyros burning
Six bells a-ringing
Five hours with Molly
Four Sue Soufflés
Three C-CADs
Two agents crazed
And a CAF’s hide for Luxury!

On the eighth day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
Eight disentanglers
Seven pyros burning
Six bells a-ringing
Five hours with Molly
Four Sue Soufflés
Three C-CADs
Two agents crazed
And a CAF’s hide for Luxury!

On the ninth day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
Nine Time Lords healing
Eight disentanglers
Seven pyros burning
Six bells a-ringing
Five hours with Molly
Four Sue Soufflés
Three C-CADs
Two agents crazed
And a CAF’s hide for Luxury!

On the tenth day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
Ten minis playing
Nine Time Lords healing
Eight disentanglers
Seven pyros burning
Six bells a-ringing
Five hours with Molly
Four Sue Soufflés
Three C-CADs
Two agents crazed
And a CAF’s hide for Luxury!

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
Eleven days in FicPsych
Ten minis playing
Nine Time Lords healing
Eight disentanglers
Seven pyros burning
Six bells a-ringing
Five hours with Molly
Four Sue Soufflés
Three C-CADs
Two agents crazed
And a CAF’s hide for Luxury!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, the SO gave to me:
Twelve Flowers bick’ring
Eleven days in FicPsych
Ten minis playing
Nine Time Lords healing
Eight disentanglers
Seven pyros burning
Six bells a-ringing
Five hours with Molly
Four Sue Soufflés
Three C-CADs
Two agents crazed
And a CAF’s hide for Luxury!

The first trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
...is M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The second trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The third trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
Warped character,
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The fourth trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
Sickly urple prose,
Warped character,
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The fifth trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
Five extra Rings!
Sickly urple prose,
Warped character,
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The sixth trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
Suethors being idiots,
Five extra Rings!
How am I supposed to read all this?!
Warped character,
There’s only nine members of the Fellowship! NINE!
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The seventh trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
Character Replacements,
Does she understand how this game works?!
Five extra Rings!
I’m gonna go blind from all this glitter!
Warped character,
Voldemort is Harry’s uncle?!
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The eighth trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
Loads and loads of minis,
Character Replacements,
This bastard just can’t take criticism!
Five extra Rings!
“A waterfall of gold sparks” ... That’s her hair?!
Warped character,
PIKACHU NOOOOOOO!
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The ninth trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
Incorrect biology,
Loads and loads of minis,
Violet isn’t a murderer!
You’re just doing this for attention, aren’t you?!
Five extra Rings!
HIS EYES! MY EYES! THEY BURN!!!
Starfire wouldn’t do that! Never!
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The tenth trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
Kids born from M-Preg,
But Pit should’ve bled to death by now!
Where are they all coming from?!
Character Replacements,
Does she even READ the reviews?!
Five extra Rings!
Go wear less elaborate clothing!
Since when did Sora become such a smartass?!
Ruined canon,
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The eleventh trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
Rampaging fic trolls,
I thought women are the ones who have children!
WTF? Velociraptors don’t have—
That’s not how you spell Godzilla, you twat!
Zuko is NOT a sadistic nut!
Is this some kind of joke to him?!
Five extra Rings!
And lose the fancy jewelry, too!
Twilight Sparkle is NOT a prostitute!
Who put Death Mountain right next to Hyrule Castle Town?!
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

The twelfth trend in badfic that’s such a pain to me...
Badly written shipping,
Seriously, who would write this crap?!
The baby’s gonna be covered in—
A carnivore just can’t live on a vegan diet!
Where did all these minis come from?!
Terminate with extreme prejudice.
How does it feel to have your fic sporked?!
Five extra Rings!
Tolkien would be rolling in his grave!
You know what, so would Rowling!
THAT’S IT! I’M MOVING TO THE MOON!!!
...aaaaand M-A-R-Y S-U-E!

Obi-Wan had become an Aurek-grade cad.
Silmaril burns drove Anakin mad.
What I day I had in FicPsych!
Self-injuring was the Wizard of Oz.
Likewise Misunderstood!Woobie!Miraz.
What a day I had in FicPsych!

Some idiot put C’mell in
A room with Legolas.
Read Lost Tales 2 again; between
Elves and cats no love is lost.
And no sooner were they to Medical sent,
A TARDIS dropped off crackfic’ed Arthur Dent.
What a day I had in FicPsych!

Darth Sidious heard the sound of the drums.
Gonff was schizophrenic, also all thumbs.
What a day I had in FicPsych!
Leela had lost all of her spine.
Fluttershy could do nothing but whine!
What a day I had in FicPsych!

Ungoliant had been dancing
To “Spider in the Bath,”
Reepicheep had starred in Yiffstar fics,
Mister Scott now hated math,
And Retief was content to be a king’s gift!
All this was just the first hour of my shift!
What a day I had in FicPsych!