I have traveled many moonless nights
Lost and lonely, with no path in sight
And I wonder what I’ve done
Mighty Author, You have come
And chosen me now to protect Canon

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now, be with me now

Breath of Canon, hold me together
Be forever my strength, breath of Canon
Breath of Canon, fight off the darkness
Pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy
Breath of Canon

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser mare should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of Your plan
Help me be strong, help me be, help me

Breath of Canon, hold me together
Be forever my strength, breath of Canon
Breath of Canon, fight off the darkness
Pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy

Breath of Canon, hold me together
Be forever my strength, breath of Canon
Breath of Canon, fight off the darkness
Pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy
Breath of Canon, Breath of Canon
Breath of Canon

Canon got screwed over by a Suvian
Just after the new movie’s release,
You can say there’s always badfic for it,
Unless the author calls desist and cease

She’d been watching it on TV,
And we’d prayed she’d stay at home,
But she’d forgot her inhibition
And she shoved herself into her favorite tome

When we found her latest fanfic,
At a major canon scene,
They were groveling by the dozens,
At least the ones who hadn’t turned an envious green

Canon got screwed over by a Suvian
Now that we just got the newest book,
You can say there’s always badfic for it,
And if you don’t believe, just take a look

Now we’re all so proud of Weasley,
Who’s been resisting her load,
See him grumping ’round with Gimli,
Heckling Mary and her friends with good Gaspode

It’s not canon with her presence,
All the canons dressed in bleen,
And we just can’t help but wonder,
Which should we first extract: her heart, or spleen?
(Take her spleen!)

Canon got screwed over by a Suvian
Due to the arrival of that new game,
You can say there’s always badfic for it,
Mary Sues like her, they’re all the same

Now the charges are on the notepad
And the weapons, sharp as tacks
We are getting in position
To take her down and bring the canons back

I’ve warned all my fellow authors,
“Better look at what you write,”
You could use a second opinion
If your character never loses a single fight

Canon got screwed over by a Suvian
Since the latest work is now in store,
You can say there’s always badfic for it,
And cleaning after it’s always a chore

(Sing it, authors!)

Canon got screwed over by a Suvian
Here it is online for all to see,
You can say there’s always badfic for it,
Because we’ve all been there, take it from meeeeee-eeeee-eeeeeeeeee!

Glitter’s falling on your face
A cold wind blows away the canon from this verse
But in our memories it stays, this is where we say farewell
And the wind, it feels a little colder now

Here sanity’s run out like a spell, but Duty’s our vow
This is where we saw it through
Thick and thin – this partnership, it was built to last
Here we swore that we’d be true to canons that were forged in our pasts.

God rest ye merry, Boarders all,
Let nothing ruin the day;
For know that Huinesoron
Has sporked C*l*br**n—
To save us all from Suedom’s ilk
And keep us all insane,

Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy!
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.

In Iximaz’s Google Drive,
Rina Dives was born!
And tackled Rose Potter
And to a Time Lord turned.
At which her partner, Zeb,
Did nothing take in scorn.

Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy!
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.

From Miss Cam’s blessed mind did come
A university—
And unto certain fangirls
Brought canon ficcery;
So that in the Pit’s archives
Some goodfic there might be!

Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy!
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.

I saw Mummy hunting Mary Sues
Somewhere out in Middle-earth last night,
She didn’t see me creep
Through a portal to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up
By her console fast asleep

Then I saw Mummy killing Mary Sues
And I knew they just weren’t coming back
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mummy feed them to Ancalagon the Black!

Mary, did you know,
That your fav’rite boy
Is under our protection?
Mary, did you know,
We’re on FF-N,
We’re monit’ring all sections
Did you know there are rules against
What you are trying to do?
This canon is protected;
Can’t say the same for you.

Mary, did you know,
It’s been done before,
This story’s not the first one
Mary, did you know,
If I’m being fair,
This story’s not the worst one
But it’s dull, and the characters
Are all behaving wrong
And so I bring this charge list,
Set in the form of song . . .

Your grammar sucks,
They’re OOC,
You can’t do that with pears
If this had been
Original
I wouldn’t have to caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare!

Mary, did you know,
There’s no point in running
We will only catch you
Mary, please let go
There’s no point in clinging
We will just detach you
Did you know
I’m not paid enough to listen to you cry
This is how the story’s ending:
This is how you die!

And the boys from the NYPD choir are singing Galway Bay
And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day

—“Fairytale of New York” by The Pogues

It’s far away I am today
From where I whiled those hours
And long ago the day, I know
I first worked for the Flowers
But time nor tide nor waters wide
Can wean my mind of thee
For ever true, I yearn for you
Nouvelle-Calédonie

With proud Time Lords and old Maglor
I’ve worked with this in mind:
If I might toil and strive and moil,
Nor cast one thought behind;
But what would be the grand array
Of all Word Worlds to me
If mem’ries fading make me stray
From my Calédonie

Oh warm salt air and flowers fair
And cagou birds abound,
But sweeter green the grass between
Than grows on old French ground.
So friendship fond, all wealth beyond,
And love eternally,
Bless each poor home beside your foam,
My dear Calédonie.

Had I youth’s blood and hopeful mood
And heart of fire once more,
For all the gold continua hold,
I’d never quit your shore;
I’d live content whate’er God sent,
No more HQ for me.
I’d lay my bones ’neath churchyard stones,
On my Calédonie

The blessing of a veteran
Be with you night and day,
The blessings of a lonely man
Whose heart will soon be clay.
’Tis all the Heaven I’d ask of God
When Sues have finished me,
That I might soar for evermore
Above Calédonie.

That I might soar for evermore
Above Calédonie.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree
You head the Filk Division
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree
You head the Filk Division
When holly decks halls in HQ
You wear it on your branches too
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree
You head the Filk Division

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree
Your agents kill bad filk songs
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree
Your agents kill bad filk songs
Why do they have to be like this?
Peace in our RCs would be bliss
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree
Your agents kill bad filk songs

O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
What is that smell of burning?
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
What is that smell of burning?
We know that badfic takes the crown,
But please put that flamethrower down
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
What is that smell of burning?

O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
It’s warm and safe in FicPsych
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
It’s warm and safe in FicPsych
You’ll be the only Flower there,
But you’ll just love the Kudzu’s care
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
It’s warm and safe in FicPsych...

O little town of Ponyville,
How still we see thee lie
Enjoy thy deep and peaceful sleep,
For agents are standing by.
We will protect thy canon
Against the badfic blight;
Let Suethors fear and Boarders cheer
Our promise made this night.

Thy canon brings us knowledge
Along with joy and friends
For all of us and those we love,
We’ll change how the stories end.
Now, Boarders all, together
Proclaim our cause’s worth
By hoof and spell, let friendship’s bell
Ring out o’er all the earth.

Just hear those consoles jingling
Ring-ting-a-tingling too
Come on, there’s awful writing
Needs plenty of smiting with you.

The Canon’s slowly dying
And everyone’s crying, “A Sue!”
Come on, there’s bad narration
Needs eradication with you

Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding
Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding
Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding
Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding

Our knives are long and sharpened
And angry and hardened are we
We have to kill the story
And it will be gory, you’ll see

Let’s charge the Sue with her crime
Then stab her one time or two
Come on, there’s painful plotting
Could use some mocking with you

Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding
Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding
Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding
Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding

[x2]

Our knives are long and sharpened
And angry and hardened are we
We have to kill the story
And it will be gory, you’ll see

Let’s charge that Sue with her crime
Then stab her one time or two
Come on, there’s painful plotting
Could use some mocking with you

Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding
Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding
Ring-a-ling-a-ling-a-diiiiiing-dooooong-diiiiiiiing

What’s this? What’s this?
There’s Suethors everywhere
What’s this?
There’s Slashfic in the air
What’s this?
I can’t believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up from this fic nightmare—
What’s this?

What’s this? What’s this?
There’s something very wrong
What’s this?
These Sues are singing songs

What’s this?
The streets are lined with
Uncanon couples banging
Everybody seems so happy
Has the entire world gone daffy?
What is this?
What’s this?

There’s characters from crossed over
continua, I fear
They’re busy wrecking canon
And none of them can care

There’s the Doctor kissing Malfoy
Oh, I can’t believe my eyes
Did Legolas just wed that Sue?
Did Boromir survive?

Oh, look
What’s this?
They’re throwing a Yule Ball, (Again?)
For the sake of bad romance! (Of course.)
They’re gathering around to hear a story
How Harry became pregnant
What’s this?

What’s this?
Torchwood’s been crossed with MLP, how queer
And who would ever think
And why?

They’re ruining it with self-insert Mary Sues
They’ve got uncanon couples here
And there’s a smile on everyone
So, now, correct me if I’m wrong
This looks like fun
This looks like fun
Oh, could it be I got my wish?
What’s this?

Oh my, what now?
I could write one myself
But look, no inspiration here
Oh well, don’t care at all so time to fake it
Or plagiarize, only little tiny things
No-one would notice or care...

What’s this?

The canons are all missing
And the Suethors can’t be found
And in their place it seems as though
Nothing but trolls abound

Instead of love, I swear
I can hear screaming in the air
The smell of blood and death
are absolutely everywhere

The sights, the sounds
They’re everywhere and all around
I’ve never felt this good before
I revel in the hatred and the flames of angered fans
I simply cannot get enough

I want it, oh, I want it
Oh, I want it for my own
I’ve got to know
I’ve got to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?