Author:	Tawaki
Tune:	“That’s What I Love About Christmas” by Mark Watters
Year:	2020

Oiolossiën, who is Walker Number Ten,
Claims to hail from Elven shores.
Flets high in the air—near the City of Corsairs?
I will contact the Mallorn.

So that is a mission for Pyros.
It’s hard to believe, with so many maps,
Arda could still get so twisted!
What’s the next report? Oh, snap!

TARDIS comes to land on the world Horizon and
Seven joins with Shepard’s squad
For Collector Base. There is Wilting-Lily!Ace,
Which he doesn’t see as odd.

Most crossovers that are done badly
Mean that Untanglers will separate
Both (or all) timelines enmeshed here.
Now, what is the next report? Oh, great.

The report’s here unfurling; my head is a-whirling
As Legolas falls in love
With a lithe dancer, a “neorcomancer”
Who fell to “Ard” from above.

With “Hitharglir” ringing from Aragorn’s singing
(From Sam’s and Gimli’s, too)
Of the Beatles’ hit songs—half the words are spelled wrong.
To the Comma I patch it through.

This is a problem recurring:
Spelling and grammar have disappeared,
Swamped in the technical errors.
What’s this next report? Oh, dear.

Seems that Peter Pevensie loves Miss Crystal Chickadee,
Who’s an Archenlandish queen
She’s a textbook Mary Sue, to Assassins now patched through.
This next, though, I don’t e’en!
This makes no sense! Tungsten-Tritium-Fluorine!?

Author:	Thoth
Tune:	“All I Want for Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey
Year:	2020

I really don’t want much for Christmas
There’s just one thing that I need
I don’t care for gifts or visits
To Ankh-Morpork, Hogswatch eve

I just want time to myself
Away from pop-song–singing elves
Flowers, make it true!
All I want’s a Christmas without Sues

I really don’t want much for Christmas
There’s just one thing that I need
I don’t care for gifts or visits
To Ankh-Morpork, Hogswatch eve

I don’t need a gift or present
Hanging by the fireplace
Nobody can pacify
With a halberd Christmas Day

I just want time to myself
Away from pop-song–singing elves
Flowers, make it true!
All I want’s a Christmas without Sues

Oh, I won’t ask for much for Christmas
I won’t even ask to go
Out to New Cal or to OFUM
Or even out to see it snow

I’ll keep protesting and shouting
Send it up to the SO
Build up letters, cards, and greetings
Begging them to let me go

’Cause I just want off for the night
No Drarry fics, it would be nice
What else can I do?
All I want’s a Christmas without Sues

Oh, the atmosphere’s so gloomy in HQ
Rife with agents half-mad from another Mary Sue

And everyone is grumbling
I hear the hallways rumbling
So won’t you give us what we really need?
Won’t give us a break (c'mon, please!)

We don’t ask a lot for Christmas
This is all we’re asking for
We don’t want any beeps or buzzers
Or Flowers right outside our doors

We just want a tiny break
No glitter, glomps, or Gimli Hate,
Flowers, make it true!
What we want is Christmas—No Sues!

Author:	Tawaki
Tune:	“The Gloucestershire Wassail” (trad. English)
Year:	2020

Assail, assail the Suvian town!
It’s urple and sparkly and needs to burn down!
The summer’s been dry and the town’s full of trees!
So with torches alight let us now run free!

So blaze bright, Ormar, thou city of bleen!
And nevermore let thou on Arda be seen!
A Vanyarin town in the Misties’ foothills?
That would be enough to warrant a kill!

Assail, assail the Suvian town!
It’s urple and sparkly and needs to burn down!
North Wilderland cannot have deodar trees!
Middle-earth, we shall light the night for thee!

The houses are wood and the roofs are of thatch!
I reckon it could all go up with just one match!
The Luinocarn river that sparkles so plue
Shall burn no more eyes with its hideous hue!

Assail, assail the Suvian town!
It’s urple and sparkly and needs to burn down!
So at the bidding of one Bonsai Tree,
We will watch the town blaze with so much glee!

The fire is kindled and glowing bright!
The town’s disappearance is a lovely sight!
And Suvians will trouble the world no more,
Until the next fic the Suethors have in store.

Assail, assail the Suvian town!
It’s urple and sparkly and needs to burn down!
Now Ormar’s no more; let’s admire the trees!
And with Shire Fourteen-Twenty I’ll drink to thee!

Author:	Kittyauthor
Tune:	“The Twelve Days of Christmas” (trad. English)
Year:	2020

On the first day of working, the PPC gave to me:
A partner with an IO curse (hey!)

On the second day of working, the PPC game to me:
Two chocolate candies And a partner with an IO curse (hey!)

On the third day of working, the PPC gave to me:
Three crash dummies
Two chocolate candies
And a partner with an IO curse (hey!)

On the fourth day of working, the PPC gave to me:
Four litmus strips
Three crash dummies
Two chocolate candies
And a partner with an IO curse (hey!)

On the fifth day of working, the PPC gave to me:
Five whole minutes of vacation!
Four litmus strips
Three crash dummies
Two chocolate candies
And a partner with an IO curse (hey!)

On the sixth day of working, the PPC gave to me:
Six things of SPaGhetti
Five whole minutes of vacation!
Four litmus strips
Three crash dummies
Two chocolate candies
And a partner with an IO curse (hey!)

On the seventh day of working, the PPC gave to me:
Seven pennies to spend
Six things of SPaGhetti
Five whole minutes of vacation!
Four litmus strips
Three crash dummies
Two chocolate candies
And a partner with an IO curse (hey!)

On the eighth day of working, the PPC gave to me:
Eight number eights
Seven pennies to spend
Six things of SPaGhetti
Five whole minutes of vacation!
Four litmus strips
Three crash dummies
Two chocolate candies
And a partner with an IO curse (hey!)

On the ninth day of working, the PPC gave to me:
Nine days of missions
Eight number eights
Seven pennies to spend
Six things of SPaGhetti
Five whole minutes of vacation!
Four litmus strips
Three crash dummies
Two chocolate candies
And a partner with an IO curse (hey!)

On the tenth day of working, the PPC gave to me:
Ten wooden tables
Nine days of missions
Eight number eights
Seven pennies to spend
Six things of SPaGhetti
Five whole minutes of vacation!
Four litmus strips
Three crash dummies
Two chocolate candies
And a partner with an IO curse (hey!)

On the eleventh day of working, the PPC gave to me:
Eleven silly doorknobs
Ten wooden tables
Nine days of missions
Eight number eights
Seven pennies to spend
Six things of SPaGhetti
Five whole minutes of vacation!
Four litmus strips
Three crash dummies
Two chocolate candies
And a partner with an IO curse (hey!)

On the twelfth day of working, the PPC gave to me:
Twelve glass frogs
Eleven silly doorknobs
Ten wooden tables
Nine days of missions
Eight number eights
Seven pennies to spend
Six things of SPaGhetti
Five whole minutes of vacation!
Four litmus strips
Three crash dummies
Two chocolate candies
And a partner with an IO curse (hey!)