It’s coming on Christmas
And the Christmas Tree’s
Been putting up reindeer and
Singing songs of joy and peace
I wish there was an AU
I could run away to

But it don’t snow here
It’s just Generic Grey
In corridors that go on
So long you can’t run away
I wish I had an AU
I could run away to

I wish I had an AU so wrong
That I could teach my feet to fly
Oh, I wish I had an AU
I could run away to

I made Nurse Jenni cry

She tried hard to help me,
You know, put me at ease
And she laughed and joked and it
Made me weak in the knees
I wish I had an AU
I could run away to

But I’m so hard to handle
I’m selfish and I’m sad
Now I’ve gone and lost the only
Love in this place I’ve had
I wish I had an AU
I could run away to

I wish I had an AU so wrong
That I could teach my feet to fly
I wish I had an AU
I could run away to

I made Nurse Jenni say goodbye

It’s coming on Christmas
And the Christmas Tree’s
Been putting up reindeer and
Singing songs of joy and peace
I wish there was an AU
I could run away to

Come one, come all, PPC, it’s time for Chanukah
First we’ll bless, then we’ll light, then we’ll eat latkas^[1]
Oh no, there goes the console, oy, vey is mir,^[2] why, why
Curse th’SO, fine, we’ll go off to see canons cry!

Second night, this one’s right, joy is everywhere
Bless, now light, get it right, two candles for the prayer
Dreidels^[3] first, then the food, but there goes that BEEEP!
How’s this right?! Oh, well, we’ll fight—we’ll be here all week!

Third night’s here, full of cheer, light those candles quick
If you still light olive oil, don’t forget the wick
No you can’t make it from Sue’s hair what is wrong with you
Burns too fast, this should last, and leave no glitter too

Fourth night comes, halfway done, missions won’t you stop
This has to be against some rule—come on, it’s a chag!!^[4]
This holiday is meant to be the festival of lights:
DOGA jobs don’t count for that! Don’t we have some rights?

Tonight’s the fifth, we won’t quit, we talked to Upstairs
That frustrated us so we nearly pulled out hairs
It’s a shame we can’t sue, but is it much to ask?
Give us a modern miracle—an evening with no tasks!

Sixth night comes, we’ll have some fun, just—no one sit down
Comfort makes the console beep, and we’re tired of running ’round
Chanukah, here we go, chocolate coins galore
Gifts for kids—oh no, don’t sit—we can’t take any more!

Seventh night shines so bright. What did we do this year?
Barely months since Yom Kippur,^[5] how is this happening?
Yes, we know, the rhyme is gone, but we are falling over
Between missions and holiday things—at least it’s almost done!

[Pause/musical interlude]

... Eighth night. We can’t believe our eyes—finally... it’s calm
So much love, all this light, sufgan’yot^[6] almost gone
Gather ’round, sing those songs, hug your family
Give out gifts, dance a bit and retell that story!

[go off dancing to the singing of “Chanukah, Chanukah”^[7]]:

Chanukah, Chanukah, chag yafe kol kach
Or chaviv misaviv, gil le’yeled rach
Chanukah, Chanukah, sevivon sov sov
Sov na sov, sov na sov, ma na’im va’tov!

I saw Dafydd kissing the SO
Underneath the mistletoe last night
They didn’t see me creep
Down the hall to have a peep
They thought that I was tucked up
In my RC, fast asleep

Then I saw Dafydd tickle the SO
Underneath his fronds so fresh and green
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Constance had only seen
Dafydd kissing the SO last night

Jay and Acacia
Were two fangirls from World One!
They had pointy things, a Polaroid, and
Their official word was “Fun”!
Jay and Acacia
Started a revolution;
They set their sights on the Pit, bastion
Of bad Tolkien fanfiction

The Sues had swords and unicorns
And sooper speshul rings
But when the agents got to them
None of that meant anything!
Oh, Jay and Acacia
Wrote two dozen lovely tales
And to honor them, we pick up our pen
And soldier through epic fails!

Jay and Acacia
Left a mighty legacy
Of plant aliens and shrieking consoles
That we call the PPC
Jay and Acacia
Couldn’t end what they’d begun
Though their job was hell, they both knew damn well
The work would never be done

Although they’ve left the Internet
And who knows where they are,
We all still use the Original
Series as our North Star!
Oh, Jay and Acacia,
And the other oldbies, too;
We have so much fun killing fanfiction,
And we owe it all to you!

It’s wintertime, time for holidays
But the end of the year doesn’t come with a raise
And the Flowers really don’t like to heap on the praise
But I keep chugging on

It doesn’t really matter that I can’t leave
My friends are all here, decorated RCs
And my next mission should be a breeze
I’m ready with the Bleepnog

In the courtyard, the snow’s falling fast
The warmth of the holidays cannot last
So we gather ’round, reminisce ’bout the past
Hope the console doesn’t beep

So we all come together on this holiday
Not a care in the world, not a Sue left to slay
The parties are bright, though the corridors are grey
Come along, join us now

I got my partner beside me, what more could I need?
Relaxing together by the Christmas tree
It’ll be so long before canon is free
But I do my part in the PPC

Dashing through the glitter,
in a one-Ypur open sleigh.
O’er the halls we go,
laughing all the way.
Bells on bobtails ring,
making spirits bright.
What fun it is to ride and sing
a sleighing song tonight.

Oh! Ring Consoles, ring Consoles,
ring all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-Ypurr open sleigh.

Hey! Ring Consoles, ring Consoles,
ring all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-Ypur open sleigh.

A day or two ago
I thought I’d take a ride
And soon, Sunflower Official
Was seated by my side.
The Ypur was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
He got into drifted papers
And then we got upsot.

Oh! Ring Consoles, ring Consoles,
ring all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-Ypur open sleigh.

Hey! Ring Consoles, ring Consoles,
ring all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-Ypur open sleigh.

A day or two ago,
The story I must tell I went out on the glitter,
And on my back I fell;
An agent was riding by
In a one-Ypur open sleigh,
He laughed as there I sprawling lay,
But quickly drove away.

Oh! Ring Consoles, ring Consoles,
ring all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-Ypur open sleigh.

Hey! Ring Consoles, ring Consoles,
ring all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-Ypur open sleigh.

Now the ground is glittery
Go it while you’re sane,
Take the partners tonight
And sing this sleighing song;
Just get a bobtailed Ypur
Two-forty as his speed
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack! You’ll take the lead.

Oh! Ring Consoles, ring Consoles,
ring all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-Ypur open sleigh.

Hey! Ring Consoles, ring Consoles,
ring all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-Ypur open sleigh.

I knew of two FicPsych doctors name of Christmas,
Called Dawnie and Eve, of course, and they were assigned to the Tree
For whom we all know it is always the season
Of goodwill that lasts till the feast of Saint Stephen.

For that’s when FicPsych can eat, drink, and be merry
Until all the Bleepka down gullets has flowed
And the whole Doctor stock you neglected to bury
Is stuffing their faces until they explode

There’ll be laughter and tears and mixed Tia Marias,
Suebuprofen, and drinks made from girders
’Cause it’s all we’ve got left as they draw their last breath
Ah, it’s nice for the kids, since you’ve finally got rid of them!
In the Saint Stephen’s Day murders!

Fitzsimmons gargles some heartbreaking air
As the babe in his arms pulls out more and more of his hair
No-one’s drunk enough yet to dare criticize
The spinning bow tie he’s about to baptize

His gin-flavoured whispers and kisses of sherry,
His best Crimbo shirt slung all over the shop,
As the Christmas Tree’s singing voice blows up the telly
He skids out the door on a hidden pork chop

And the Dish of the Day, or what’s left anyway,
May still be found haunting the kitchen
And there’s life in it yet Dawn and Eve might regret
When the colleagues they poisoned stop twitchin’

And there’s laughter and tears and mixed Tia Marias,
Suebuprofen, and drinks made from girders
’Cause it’s all we’ve got left as they draw their last breath
Ah, it’s nice for the kids, since we’ve finally got rid of them!
RID OF THEM!
In the Saint Stephen’s Day murders!

Met my old partner in the courtyard
The snow was falling Christmas Eve
I stole behind her in the grassy fields
And I touched her on the sleeve

She didn’t recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she fell on me
And we laughed until we cried

We stood there, awkward in the moment now
The silence longer as we stared
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation slowed

Went to have ourselves a drink or two
Sat ourselves down at Rudi’s pub
We bought a pair of beers made a toast
For the days we both had lost

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how

I said I’d had myself a daughter
She said she had herself a girlfriend
We both wished things had turned out different
But it worked out in the end

She said the years had been long without me
And that she missed me every day
I said I missed her, too, so very much
But didn’t want to intrude

She said she saw me in the tabloids now
And that I must be doing well
I said insanity wasn’t too bad
But the infamy was hell

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to time
Reliving in our eloquence
Another “auld lang syne”

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
She gave a hug to me as we both left
And I watched her walk away

Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain